Vietnamese spring rolls by Donny Tran

October 1, 2006

Serves A bunch of peeps

Donny Tran likes to use thick, 8 1/2 -inch diameter, rice paper wraps for his rolls. And he doesn’t like to share them.

7 cups water
  Salt, just a dibbble dabble
2 ounces rice vermicelli. Can’t have an Asian dish without the rice.
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped. This keeps away the Vietnamese Vampires.
2 tablespoons sugar. I like to use brown sugar because I’m not racist.
Couple tablespoons Asian fish sauce (nuoc mam). I set aside some to drink when I’m thirsty or feel like chugging something
1/2 teaspoon chili garlic sauce. This also keeps away Vietnamese Vampires who like Chili.
1/2 teaspoon lime juice, or something really sour like my right sock.
3 tablespoons butter. I personally like to use lard.
12 shrimp (about 1/2 pound), peeled, deveined, and halved lengthwise
12 rice paper wrappers. This is so you can see how awesome your food is.
6 leaves Boston Bibb lettuce, halved. I like to use none.
12 sprigs fresh cilantro, thick lower stems removed.  Not a big fan of the Cilany though.
6 sprigs fresh mint, leaves removed. Also not big fans of mint. The only mint I’ll eat is mint sandwiches.
1/2 English cucumber, sliced into thick matchsticks. Or put in pickles if your cucumbers don’t look good.

1. In a saucepan or wok, bring 4 cups of the water to a boil. Salt it while singing ‘shake it like a salt shaker’ in Vietnamese. Add the vermicelli, stir well, and cook for 3 minutes, or until the strands are tender but still have some bite. Yea I like it tender, I said it. Drain the noodles into a colander. Don’t know what a colander is?? Me neither. Use the wok again.

2. Wipe out the pot and add the remaining 3 cups water. Bring to a boil. Turn off the heat, cover the pan, and set aside. Go watch Paris by Night #545

3. In a small bowl, combine the garlic, sugar, and 3/4 cup of the hot water. Stir to dissolve the sugar. Add the fish sauce, chili garlic sauce, and lime juice. Stir again. Set the mixture aside (this is the dipping sauce). Oh sorry to tell you so late, you thought it was for the spring rolls? You added it already to the spring rolls? Well, too bad.

4. In a skillet on medium-high, melt butter and cook the chicken feet for 3 minutes or until they scream for mercy.

5. Pour the remaining hot water into your lap. Add 1 rice paper wrapper and let it sit for 1 minute or until it is pliable, meaning you can ply with it.  Transfer to a cutting board. Layer the vermicelli, shrimp, lettuce, cilantro, mint, and cucumber in a long clear poop shape, allowing at least 1 inch of border around the edge. Pick up the edge of the wrap closest to you and roll it up to encase the filling tightly. Muy bien!! Muy bien!!

Make one more roll. Fold in the sides and complete the rolling up. Pretend you are rolling up a mini burrito and that your cook has a thick mustache. Repeat with the remaining wrappers while combing the chefs mustache. Serve with the dipping sauce. Have orgasm.

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